To write or not to write?
Time has come for em to start writing what i have to write...
As through the suffering and pain of writing i'm seeking the salvation and peace that have been deprived of.
"Shame"
my confession , my story of love, decieving and evil, story of a man who lost his soul...
as one of the greatest writers of out times has written once: "for me writing is life, i can't live without writing"
only now those words find a meaning to me, only when you can seek redemption through the proccess of writing...
If it only was that easy....

Thu Nov 29, 2001 11:12 pm

Depression Note #3

WE WERE STANDING AT THE BUS PLATFORM, UNDERGROUND
WAITING FOR THE NEVER-EVER ON-TIME BUS WHO HAD ALREADY
DELAYED FOR 20 MINUTES, A REALLY DEPRESSING SITUATION
WITH THE RUSHAHOLIC TORONTONIANS WAITING TO RUSH FOR
THE BUS, RUSH FOR THE SEATS AND RUSH HOME , FINALLY
TO REALIZE THAT THERE'S NO REASON TO RUSH AT
ALL!!!!
ANYWAYS , JUST IN THE MIDST OF THIS ANTICIPATING,
WORRIED, ANXIOUS MOMENT, COMES ALONG A CRUSHING SOUND OF A
SWEET WHISLING!!! ALL OF A SUDDEN AND IN CONTRAST TO
THE HELL WITH THE NERVOUS AND DEPRESSED PEOPLE
STANDING FOR THE NEVER COMING BUS.
AN OLD MAN IN HIS
60'S , SHORT BUT WELL BUILD COMES ALONG , RELAXED AND
HIGH IN SPIRITS, WITH NO ATTENTION TO THE SCARED
PEOPLE THAT ARE STARING AT HIM, JUST BECAUSE HE'S FREELY
WHISTELING, THE MAN COMES CLOSER AND GOES TOWARDS THE GARBAGE
BIN AND TAKES OF THE LID AND STARTS TO REPLACE THE
GARBAGE BAG....!
YES! IT'S THE GARBAGE MAN, WHO
CARELESSLY STARTS TO SING ALONG WHILE REPLACING THE GARBAGE
BAGS.
HE RAISES HIS VOICE INTO A VERY ROMANTIC, SWEET
ITALIAN LOVE SONG , IGNORING THE HELL OF THE WORLD
THERE.
I JUST QUICKLY START TO OBSERVE THE CROWD , THEY
ARE SO SHOCKED YOU COULD SEE IT IN THEIR
FACES!
IT'S AN AMZING CONTRAST, IN THE MIDST OF THE DARK
UNDERGROUND PLATFORM, WITH ALL THOSE DEPRESSED PEOPLE WHO'VE
EVEN FORGOTTEN HOW TO SMILE, THE MAN'S JOYFUL WHISTLE
AND VOICE RISES FAR ABOVE THEIR DEPRESSION AND
SADNESS.
A LADY WHO'S STANDING RIGHT BESIDES ME ,WAS READING
NEWSPAPER, FOR A MOMENT OUR EYES MEET AND WE BOTH START TO
SMILE, WITHOUT ANY REASON, JUST MOTIVATED BY HIS
BEATIFUL AND NOSTALGIC VOICE AND WHISTLE.
FOR THE FIRST
TIME, AFTER A VERY VERY LONG TIME I FEEL I'M STILL
ALIVE IN THIS COUNTRY AND LIFE STILL FLOWS UNDERNEATH
THE COLD CRUSHING COLDNESS OF THIS MODERN LIFE, I
FEEL SO HAPPY , AND IT AMAZES ME HOW SUCH A SIMPLE ACT
OF ACCIDENT CAN CHEER ME UP AND MAKE ME FEEL THAT
LIFE IS STILL WORTH OF LIVING AND SUFFERING.
YES,
EVEN A CHEERFUL ROMANTIC WHISTLE FROM A GARBAGE MAN(!)
WHO NOT ONLY REPLACES GARBAGES BUT ALSO PURIFIES
GARBAGES INSIDE PEOPLE'S SOULS.
lIFE IS BEAUTIFULL,EVEN
IF YOUR JOB IS TO DEAL WITH GARBAGE.
LATER....

Thu Nov 22, 2001 12:27 am

Depression Note #2

yes....
tonight @ 2nd cup we were almost going
to close , i noticed a woman sitting on 1 of the
stools facing the street age around 35-36 , long brown
hair and dressed totally in black overall was good
looking, she was kind of worried and anxious, checking the
door every 5 minutes or so, but pretending to be cool,
but i had her in the corner of my eye, as i was
preparing to close.
i used my wicked 6th sense that
she's on a date.
2 minutes later this man comes in a
black suite, with a briefcase has a pretty businessman,
kind of salesman look.
the woman starts screening
him but is still hesitant to do anything, she waits
to see what he does, it suddenly strucks me that
"Yes! this is even worst it's a blind
date!!!"
so...
the man plays it cool and pretends that he has easily
guessed it was her , but it's obvious they have only
talked on the phone and still are suspicious.
so he
walks very self assured to her and starts greeting, a
big smile appears on her face!
she's like "
thanks God he finally came!"
so he starts wispering
to her and appologizing for his delay, i have to
take the groom and start sweeping around them, but
before that i just give a nod to my fellows that this is
a blind date.
he suggests that they should move
to a cozy couch and she agrees just like a sheep, i
could easily see that he's a real pro in this
stuff.
so they move to another place and i can't follow up
with the exciting process of " Mokh zani" but she's
already timid and my guess turns to be true, 30 min later
, he guides her out of the door, holding the door
and then notices that i'm gazing like a hungry
papparazzi and gives me a cold- butt-burning smile and
leaves with her victoriously , like if as if he has
conquered the Roman empire!!!!
so...
this still
proves that you could be in you mid 30's or 40's and
arrange for a blind date in a coffee shop( no cost by the
way, pretty cheap!)and show up 30 minutes later , play
it cool and still be able to take your pray home
with a successful act.
Bottomline: be pretentious,
fashionabily late and cool, all the rest will come!
and who
cares if there's no love any more!??!
WHO
CARES!!!!!
till next 1
andy

Mon Nov 19, 2001 1:30 am

Depression note #1

Tonight @ Second Cup this girl comes in full
pierced: nose, eyebrows, chin,.... all around her
face.
she's carrying a cell phone in her hand while talking
with the other party on the phone, so loud that you
could hear her from a 100 miles; literally shouting and
pretends that she doesn't see all people poking to see
who's shouting and showing off her voice! continues to
talk loud.
we're all distracted and naturally
everyone's attention is focused on what she's saying.
she
rambles on and on about worthless cheesy stuff which is
not interesting to anyone, the only fact is that she
can't resist it!
i guess she's so used to showing
off her voice and conversation that she has literally
lost her hearing.
i was dying to go and tell her:
"darling, could you whisper, i want to see how loud your
whisper is!!!"
so that's it! we're living in a society
that everyone wants to be heard, no matter how or even
what they are saying, even if you have to shout your
loungs off, do it, otherwise people are going to ignore
you!
welcome to the 21st centuary! the age of
speakers!
To Be Continued....
The CCoffeeA!

Mon Dec 24, 2001 6:54 pm

Depression Note #4

I WAS SITTING IN THE SUBWAY, TIRED AND WORN OUT
FROM WORK AND SITTING CROSSED-LEGGED READING MY BOOK
AND TRYING TO PAY NO ATTENTION TO ANYONE.
CROSS MY
SEAT 2 GIRLS WERE SITTIN FACING EACH OTHER AND IN A
LOUD CONVERSATION.

NOSY AS I AM, AFTER A WHILE
I GOT DISTRACTED BY ONE OF THE GIRL'S VOICE AND
SLANG LANGUAGE AND
NATURALLY I PAYED ATTENTION TO
WHAT SHE WAS SAYING , OR BETTER SAID, HER MANNER OF
SPEACH.

I STARTED TO COUNT THE NUMBER OF TIMES SHE WOULD
SAY , "LIKE" AND "SHIT" USING MY FINGERS.

THE
NUMBER WENT HIGHER AND HIGHER AND AFTER A WHILE I FORGOT
READING MY BOOK AND FOCUSED ON HER CONVERATION WHICH WAS
TOTALLY CHEAP BUT NEVERTHELESS AMAZINGLY FULL OF "LIKE"
AND "SHIT"!!!

WHEN SHE FINALLY GOT OFF 10
MINUTES LATER AND GREETED HER FRIEND, THE TOTAL SUM WAS
:
"LIKE" 124 TIMES
"SHIT" 56
TIMES

AMAZING!

I WAS SO SUPRISED BY THE FACT THAT HOW DEGENERADED
THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE HAS BECOME,

PEOPLE
NOWADAYS SPEAK IN THEIR OWN LANGUAGE WHICH IS NOT ENGLISH
FOR SURE, IT'S SOMETHING ARBITARY AND DEGRADED, FULL
OF "LIKE", "FUCK", "SHIT", "EH?", "THOUGH" AND
NOTHEING ELSE MATTERS!

I WAS STILL IN MY THOUGHTS
ABOUT THIS FACT WHEN I NOTICED THAT THE OTHER GIRL
-WHICH WAS INDEED PRETTY- WAS LOOKING AT ME, OUR EYES
MET FOR A COUPLE OF SECONDS AND SHE SMILED AT ME, THE
BRIGHTEST , SHINNING HAPPIEST SMILE THAT I HAD EXPERIENCED
FOR A LONG TIME IN THIS ILL-DRY SERIOUS PEOPLE
COUNTRY!

IMAGINE A GIRL SMILES AT A STRANGER JUST TO BE NICE AND
HUMAN , IN THE DARK SUBWAY ATMOSPHERE, WITH METAL
SHAKING AND SCREAMING EVERYWHERE!

I WAS SO SHOCKED
BY HER SMILING THAT I JUST LOOKED AT HER -GRIMMED
AND STONED FACE-, TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHY SHE'S
SMILING AT ME, SO SHE SUDDENLY FELT EMBARRESED AND EAT
HER SMILE QUICKLY ( THE WHOLE THING TOOK ONLY 5
SECONDS I GUESS) AND PUT A GRIM FACE MASK LIKE ME AND
DIDN'T LOOK AT ME AGAIN , NITHER DID I, EVERYONE WENT
BACK TO NORMAL
LIFE AGAIN, HAPPY AND SATISFIED:
WEARING THEIR GRIM, SERIOUS, DEPPRESED MASKS AGAIN,
DENYING ANY HUMAN RELATION OR INTERACTION...
IT MADE
ME SO SAD TO SEE THAT IN OUR AGE WE CAN'T REALLY
TOLERATE AN HONEST SMILE, BE IT FROM A STRANGER , EVEN FOR
A SECOND , JUST TO SHOW THAT WE ARE STILL HUMANS ,
LIVING IN THIS CRAPPY WORLD.
SHAME ON THIS SOCIETY,
REALLY SHAME.

Mon Dec 24, 2001 7:10 pm
Depression Note #5

YESTERDAY HEADING TOWARDS WORK, SITTING IN THE
BUS, A COUPLE OF KIDS CAME ON THE BUS EATING CHIPS AND
OTHER SNACKS.
3 OF THEM SAT RIGHT BESIDE ME, I WAS
WOORIED ABOUT GETTING TO WORK ON TIME SO DIDN'T PAY ANY
ATTENTION TO THEM, BUT...
AFTER A MINUTE OR SO I
OVERHEARED THEM SAYING:
"CHRIS, YOU'RE AN IDIOT!"
THE
3RD ONE ASKS " WHY?"
"HE'S SO STUPID. SHE ASKS "NO
ONE!" TO RIGHT HER NOTES, BUT SHE "BEGS" TO RIGHT HER
NOTES AND HE DOESN'T!!, CAN YOU IMAGINE THAT? HE'S
SOOOO STUPID"
I LOOKED AROUND TO SEE WHO'S BEEN
ADRESSED AS THE IDIOT, JUST TO FIND OUT A BONY SMALL BLACK
BOY, SHYING AWAY AND BLUSHING! ( HE WAS BLACK
OTHERWISE HIS RED FACE WOULD BE FLASHING LIKE A RED LIGHT!)
HE WAS EATING A SNACK AND TRIED TO PRETEND HE
DOESN'T UNDERSTAND WHAT HIS FRIEND IS TALKING
ABOUT.
THE 3RD BOY A FAT JEW BOY OCCUPYING 2 SEATS AND
SITTING LAZILY WITH CRUMS ALL AROUND HIS MOUTH LOOKS
SUPRISINGLY ANS SAYS:
"IS THAT SO?, MAN! SHE LIKES
YOU!WHAT DID I TELL YOU?"
CHRIS STILL LOOKING DOWN AND
EMBARESSED SAYS:"
NO SHE DOESN'T LIKE ME, SHE HATES
ME!"
THE OTHER TWO LAUGH THEIR BELLY OFF, AND GIGGLE AND
SEEM TO ENJOY THIS STATEMENT VERY MUCH.
THE 2ND ONE
, A SLIM BOY WITH SHINEY SMART EYES AND A CAP SAYS:
"WHAT AN I D I O T!... MAN! YOU ARE SO STUPID, SHE'S
BEGGING YOU TO WRITE HER NOTES AND YOU DON'T GET
IT!"
CHRIS DOESN'T REPLY, I CAN EASILY SEE FLAMES OF LOVE
BURNING UNDER HIS CALM AND BROWN SKIN.
I JUST TRY TO
IMAGINE THE BELOVED, AND MAKES ME SMILE , THESE KIDS ARE
SO INNOCENT AND YET THEY TALK ABOUT THIS SO CALM AND
SERIOUS AND COLDLY AS IF THEY WERE 30+ GUYS TALKING IN A
BAR.
THE CONVERSATION GOES ON , UNFORTUNATELY I HAVE TO
GET OFF, SO I MISS THE REMAINING PART, BUT EAGERLY I
TRY TO SEE AT LEAST WHERE IT'S GOING.
CHRIS IS
STILL UNDER SARCASTIC ATTACKS AND EVEN THOUGH
THROUGHOUT THIS BRUTAL CONVERSATION, 1 THING IS DONE WITH
PERFECT CARE AND JOY:
"EASTING TH CHIPS AND SNACKS! A"
AS IF NOTHING ELSE MATTERS MORE THAN THIS IN THE
WORLD!
INNOCENCE IN A JEWL NO ONE CAN BUY AND ONCE LOST, NEVER
EVER AGAIN ABLE TO ABTAIN IT.
CHEERS AND HAPPY
HOLIDAYS EVERYONE.
ANDISHEH

On a Mountain slope,

Solitary, uncompanioned,

Stands a Cherry Tree,

Except for you,

My lonely Friend!

To others, I am Unkonwn....

evrerything went so smoothly to start writing this damn story of mine :)

evrerything went so smoothly to start writing this damn story of mine :)